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Monday, Feb. 04, 2008

The man and the many myths: Busted, plausible or confirmed?

Let's clear up one thing right off: We're not here to talk about the Lincoln myths that have real academic value. Whether America's most esteemed president was a humanitarian or eloquent dirt bag, a moral leader or venal schemer, matters naught to us.

We're here to talk about the Weekly World News variety of Lincoln myths, the slime festering at the bottom of the Lincoln barrel.

For example: Did you hear the one about the similarities between the Lincoln and Kennedy assassinations?

Was all that up-by-the-bootstraps list of Lincoln's failures true?

Was Lincoln gay?

Did Lincoln marry Mary Todd as his second choice, way behind the ethereal and stone-dead Ann Rutledge?

Was Mary Todd Lincoln really crazy, as in certifiable?

Here are the wildest Lincoln theories. If you're offended, don't say we didn't warn you:

Myth No. 1: Lincoln and Kennedy assassinations and the oh-so-eerie parallels

File the similarities here under "Do you want to believe?" If you want to believe in them, they're there. If you don't, they're laughable.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846, elected president in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946, elected president in 1960.

Lincoln's secretary, Kennedy, warned him not to go to the theater. Kennedy's secretary, Lincoln, warned him not to go to Dallas.

Both were succeeded by men named Johnson.

John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald -- guys with three names! -- were assassinated before their trials.

Lincoln and Kennedy both lost children while in the White House.

But even if these coincidences were more than that, what does that prove -- that we should just ditch the American political system and go to the Psychic Network for political advice?

The similarities are easily exploded by the differences: Kennedy never got to run for a second term, whereas Lincoln was in his second term. Aside from losing a child while in the White House, Jackie Kennedy and Mary Todd Lincoln were nothing alike -- nor were Andrew Johnson and Lyndon Johnson, the presidents who succeeded Lincoln and Kennedy after the assassinations.

Bullhockey assessment: Perfectly asinine.

Myth No. 2: Lincoln was gay

The argument here is that as a young frontier lawyer he slept in the same bed as other men. He spoke and wrote affectionately to other men. Was Lincoln a gay American?

The bed part of this equation is easy explained: There wasn't a Marriott on every other corner. People slept wherever they could find a bed, didn't trouble themselves much about its cleanliness, and counted themselves lucky to find a place out of the elements. It was not uncommon for two men to share a bed; had women traveled extensively to pursue their occupations in those days, it wouldn't have been unusual for women to sleep two to a bed, either.

And about the interpersonal expressions of affection: Lincoln was an eloquent guy. He couldn't gush about everybody, but when he got a head of steam behind a sentiment, he could drive home the point.

Bullhockey assessment: Participants dead, nobody left a confession.

Myth No. 3: Lincoln was part of the Illuminati

That Lincoln was a member of the Illuminati, a mysterious group that has supposedly ruled the world for hundreds of years -- skimming our resources, dictating our leaders -- is one of the wackier theories out there. It's frequently espoused by those who also think the Freemasons secretly rule the world and started ruling the United States as early as the Founding Fathers.

Some Illuminati theorists also think that Hitler was an Illuminati member.

Bullhockey assessment: Perfectly asinine, but with probable appeal to the Ron Paul technology-savvy conspiracy contingent in American politics.

Myth No. 4: Mary Todd Lincoln was crazy

Well, Mary Lincoln did mental lockup time thanks to a spectacularly dysfunctional relationship with her surviving son, Robert Todd Lincoln.

She had a temper, held grudges, thought she saw ghosts (including Abe's, with which she was "photographed") and shopped until she dropped long before it was fashionable.